The Aftermath of Loss
What is Grief?
Grief is the aftermath of loss. While loss is commonly associated with the loss of a loved one, loss can encompass other difficult adjustments in life, such as the loss of good health or a way of life. There are also varying levels of grief in terms of intensity. The complex emotional processing we experience as a result of a loss cannot be defined in a linear manner. Many people assume the five stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance--aptly defines the process, but the five stages of grief were designed to describe what a dying person goes through.
Grievers do not always experience one emotion at a time in consecutive order, with a beginning and ending for each stage. Water is a well-known metaphor for emotions, and grief is often experienced in a fluid manner. The emotions after a loss exist beyond the typical five stages and include numbness, confusion, relief, guilt, remorse, irritability, isolation, worthlessness, and blame, for example. Additionally, physical symptoms like fatigue, brain fog and chronic pain can be associated with grief.
The emotions attributed to grief fluctuate, receding in intensity just to return at a later point. Sometimes this emotional processing is subtle enough in its ripple effect to not interfere with daily activities. Other times, grief can catch people off guard, slamming into them like a tidal wave. These emotional reactions can sometimes go on for years, depending on the impact and severity of loss.
Secondary Losses
“Grief lasts longer than sympathy, which is one of the tragedies of the grieving.”
-Elizabeth McCracken, Author
There is an unrealistic expectation in society that grievers should be able to move on quickly after the initial impact of a life altering event. The impact of loss does not dissipate after the initial disaster, and this is where secondary losses begin. Secondary losses are experienced when the griever must pick up the pieces of life in an attempt to move on. A sense of security and plans are derailed. Financial setbacks and stress can stem from hospital bills, funeral costs, loss of income from a deceased family member, unpaid bills, and loss of property and other assets. These additional losses compound the processing of the primary loss, making grief even more complex.
When adjusting to life after loss, our sense of identity can be impacted. Grievers often experience issues like questioning faith, losing the meaning and purpose of life, and lacking resources. Confidence takes a hit. Joy, hope and optimism are challenged, sometimes completely disappearing for an unknown length of time. The vision of the future disappears. Important memories fade.
Emotional support is another loss experienced by many grievers. I describe grief as an aftermath because people affected by loss aren’t always fortunate enough to have an adequate support system from other people in their lives. Our society is uncomfortable with grief and death, which can cause many loved ones to distance themselves from a griever. People don’t know what to say or how to help, so they either say something inappropriate, or just avoid acknowledging someone’s loss altogether. Other loved ones will step up and follow through with their offers to help. Understanding grief helps to support ourselves and others through the experience, whenever that may happen.
While there is no absolute finish line to cross at the end of grief, the experience can improve over time, but it takes practice. Grief is not a race; patience and compassion are required when navigating the aftermath of loss. The timeframe for improvement in recovery can vary based on the type of loss and resources available. Healing takes courage, and grievers ultimately must discover their own resiliency.